T-1h00m: I just moved into my new apartment. A girl on Tinder cancelled our plans to hang out. I have nothing to my name except a mattress, a laptop, a bunch of weed, and a gram bag of 4-ho-met, missing one dose that my friend took.
T-0h00m: I'm bored, it's just past midnight, and my roommate is asleep. Perfect time to trip. I scoop some 4-ho-met out of the bag with my shiny new apartment key, probably roughly 50mg.
T+0h15m: Noticable breathing. I'd recently taken psilocybin (~48 hours prior), so I decided to take a little more just in case. Bad idea. I scoop out a smaller pile, roughly half the size of the original, bringing me to a total of 75mg.
T+0h30m: I feel incredibly nauseous. I visuals are setting in nicely, so I smoke a bowl of marijuana to tame my stomach and give them a little kick.
T+0h45m: I stumble my way to the bathroom, pack a bowl, and add 40mg of 4-ho-met to it, and smoke it. Do not smoke 4-ho-met, it's toxic. Read the rest of the story before you emulate my actions.
At this point I'm still mostly lucid.
T+1h00m: I'm vaguely coherent. My blank white walls glisten with shiny block letters, spinning gently in various directions. The carpet looks like sand, patterns drawing themselves into it.
T+1h??m: I find myself in the bathroom, trying to smoke the last of my bowl before I lay down for the trip. I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror.
I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror.
I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror.
I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror. Why can't I stop.
I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror. I need to lay down. The bowl is just Ash.
I flick on the lighter, inhale, exhale, inspect the bowl, smile at myself in the mirror. I break the smile and put the bowl down. I stare at my reflection, my face is dancing with shapes and colors.
T+2h??m: The ceiling fan glares down at me. I alternate between sitting in the corner and staring at it, worried it will descend from its lofty perch and attack me, and sitting at the edge of my mattress, slowly leaning backwards. Every lean feels like I'm falling into the void. My eyes are watering, my nose is running.
The trip continues building in intensity. I find myself in several more loops, the longest lasting almost 20 minutes. My mind is swimming with incoherent thoughts and feelings. Everything is emotionally significant, and meaningless at the same time.
T+3h??m: I'm lost. I'm moving and doing things, but I don't feel in control. Loops are now the state of being. It's difficult to recall anything significant in this time period.
T+4h00: A single thought breaches the void, surging me back into coherence.
"Take the rest. Kill yourself.".
My chest heaves. My arms shake as I stand. What about my friends, my family?
"It won't matter when you're dead. Kill yourself."
My body surges with newfound energy. Could it be that easy? Is this the end of my worries? Have I finally found the answer?
"Take the rest. Kill yourself."
Deep in the back of my mind, a sliver of doubt appears. Can you overdose on tryptamines? Surely not. I steel myself, focusing through the visuals to check my phone and see what the largest dose anybody has reported was. 500mg. I have more than that. It might work. I feel my body surge again, a pleasure greater than anything I've ever felt.
T+4h15m: I'm standing in the bathroom. I'm careful, gently tipping the bag onto a square of toilet paper and neatly folding it. I stare at myself in the mirror. I'm smiling, the room is swirling around me.
I place it in my mouth and swallow it with water. It was too much to not taste, but my resolve was unfaltering, I refused to vomit.
T+6h00m: I maintain control. My visuals have completely unhinged from reality, a storm raging in the room around me. I wake up my roommate, and tell him I took the rest. I neglect to inform him that I was trying to kill myself.
T+7h00m: I have lost control. I stumble to the bathroom and vomit, angrily punching the bath tub. I wipe myself off and fall backwards onto the floor. The colors have lost saturation, but the room continues to swirl.
A shadow creeps from the edges of my vision, and I purposefully slow my breathing.
Please, please. I'm so close.
T+7h15m: I relent. I'm not going to die, not now. I crawl to my mattress and slump into it. The room continues to swirl. My thoughts are of new ways to kill myself. There's a bridge nearby, that could work.
T+10h00m: I fall asleep. I do not dream.
T+14h00m: I wake up briefly. I still have gentle visuals, but the trip is finally ending. I stare at the wall in silence as my sobriety returns. The thoughts of death still linger in the back of my mind.
T+16h00m: The trip ends. I still want to die. I just need to wait for a better time.
I have decided to conclude my research of 4-ho-met. I have found it's limits. I have found my limits. I found the answer I was looking for, but it was not the one I wanted.
Please do not attempt this dose. It's a living nightmare, and the rush of excitement I felt from deciding to kill myself is burned forever into my memory as one of my happiest moments.