Today i'm 1 year sober from MDMA & cocaine. I have no one to share this with, so thought i would just post here, because i feel the need to say it somewhere so fuck it. I thought i would never be happy or feel content enough with life without M & C. And even some days it's still hard because i sometimes fantasize about taking it again and how it would feel but i realize more that the fantasy of it sounds better and more exciting than the actual taking of it. I strive to be 100% real and one thing that motivates me to not take this stuff is the realization that everything is fake when you're on it. Your feelings toward a person, your actions, what you say etc. I fucking hated when i thought about what i did, what i said and that it didn't resignate at all with who i am. I can say that i do not miss the nights where i couldn't sleep. I don't miss the guilt trips and promising that next time i won't do it. I don't miss having a cigarette at the crack of dawn looking at the sunrise with no sleep making myself think it was beautiful while i was a fucking mess. I don't miss being sick and having no energy because of this shit. That also helps as motivation, thinking of the aftermath. My mental health has gotten way better. But this has also been very lonely, still is to be honest. I don't really have friends. But i'd rather be lonely than be high with people. I have a very big problem with trusting people. Being high meant avoiding my problems and being sober i had to face them all and i am still learning about myself to this day. Being high was like receiving a hug for a while and then getting beat down. But the beat down didn't even bother me in the beginning because the high was enough for me, shit it was more than enough. It was something telling me it loved me, something that made me feel like i didn't need anybody. It gave me confidence, it threw all my problems away. But damn, what a mask it wears.
Even after this 1 year journey so far with tears and loss i fucking love waking up fresh in the morning. I love working on my mental health. I love staying in and doing things that benefit for me and my knowledge. I love going to sleep with no accelerated heart beat to keep me up. I love having a walk or chilling by myself somewhere, listening to music and writing and with an added cigarette. Oh that reminds me, anyone else smoke like 100 cigs when on a high? fuck that was crazy. Funny when i think about it. My friend who i mostly got high with, we like lived ate and breathed cigarettes. I smoke a lot less now but i have one occasionally.
My next obstacle is alcohol. I've been sober from that for 3 weeks, initially 3 months but i relapsed. I went so much harder on the drugs than the alcohol but i still have the tendency to binge so i'd rather get it out of my life alltogether. Also i am 20 years old, for anyone who's young on here that's also thinking of getting sober or is on the journey, it definitely can be done at a young age, and if youre on the journey: high five motherfucker. It's hard because fuck when you're sober from alcohol & drugs you see how much it's used & normalized in the teenage world. Hell, alcohol is normalized almost everywhere and in all age worlds.
To everyone currently getting sober: let's kick ass and remember it's okay to not feel okay about this shit, i hope to fuck that you cry, let it all out, we've been numbing it. Embrace your ugly and your beautiful! Accept it all!