Today makes 365 days that I have not put any mind-altering substances into my body. I went to rehab, stayed in an extended-care program for 9 months, and moved into my own apartment. I'm now enrolled in school. Everything is fine. I'm lucky. I survived a meth addiction and came out on top. But I'm still so sad. Lost. I am desperately searching for meaning every day to no avail. I want to smoke weed so badly. I just want to mess up and not give a care. Giving a care is so exhausting. I'm bored and lonely and sad. I hate the 12 steps, I don't think it's the only option and I hate the toxic rhetoric of AA/NA groups that the 12 steps are the only way that truly works. I have an appointment with a new therapist next week. I just want to get high. Not even on meth, or speed. Just weed. Luckily I don't know anyone in this city who smokes and I'm too scared to smoke anyway because of what it could lead to. I don't really know why I'm posting here other than to get these feelings out to people who might understand. One year sober and I'm still not okay. This sucks.